The Magic of Christmas and Failed Expectations
By Julie Hornok
Christmas is supposed to be magical. When we are little, we spend hours dreaming about the wonderful gifts waiting for us on Christmas morning. Our wish list is long, and our hopes are high. We even convince ourselves that an old man with a big fat belly flies around and gives every good little boy and girl in the whole world presents all in one night. We can’t sleep the night before, and we are giddy with anticipation for the morning to come!
Somehow as we get older the magic in life seems to slowly disappear. We become so focused on fixing our children with autism that we don’t have the time or energy to even think about magic. Magic to us is finding the money to pay for a new food dehydrator for a new diet for our kids or pencil grips to help our child’s handwriting!
So, how does someone find the magic in their adult life? Some say we re-live it through our children. But what if my child with autism has no ability to understand all the things I love about Christmas? What if she flat-out refuses to participate in all the traditions that bring me joy?

Last year I wrote about what I refer to as our diagnosis anniversary and all of the emotions it brings with it each year for me…right around Christmastime. This year, marks 5 years since our lives changed drastically - when we entered the community caring for and serving children and individuals with ASD; our 5-year diagnosis anniversary.
Ethan doesn’t really know I have these bitter-sweet moments every December and I plan to keep it that way, at least for now…He LOVES the joys Christmas brings and I adore watching the joy unfold around him. Spending time with our extended family makes him happy from the tips of his toes to the ends of the hairs on his head. He now shops for our family members – spending his own money – and helps wrap each gift. Ethan helped prepare gifts for the teachers and administrators he adores at his school. He understands why our family celebrates with gift giving and loves to hear the story of the Three Wise Men bringing gifts from afar to the Baby Jesus. Someday maybe I’ll share with him about my conflicting emotions at this time of year, but only when he’s an adult, and only if he is able to comprehend and filter such information to benefit his life and outlook; otherwise – I’ll keep it to myself.

Four years ago, just before Christmas, we received the preliminary results of our son’s evaluation for ASD through our local school district. While I went in with plenty of knowledge and even suggested to the evaluation team that I suspected Asperger’s Syndrome, somehow it didn’t make it hurt less to see the results on paper. I remember reading the 20+ page document while extended family members visited and laughed with my husband in the next room. Ethan was tucked safe and sound in his warm bed for the night, but I was flooded with emotion. I’ll never forget that night. And while I love Christmas and all the blessings it brings, I will admit that this time of year tends to leave me feeling a bit overwhelmed. Truly a bitter-sweet time of year for me.

Before Autism, I was highly organized and often had most - if not all - of my Christmas shopping done by this time of the year. In past years, I would even deliver all of my family’s Christmas gifts during our Thanksgiving trip, if I knew we wouldn’t see them for Christmas.
Now I’m just doing well to make it through Thanksgiving and manage to keep going. I’m not complaining - I love preparing a GFCF meal that I know my son will be able to enjoy, but I’m a little burned out; just a little.
Again, I love that at my house on Thanksgiving, my guy isn’t told “no” about anything on the table…it is just a little exhausting to have to prepare the majority of it. Can’t just run out to Kroger, or even Whole Foods for that matter, and buy GFCF rolls/dressing/pie that “feel” like the Thanksgiving foods I grew up with. That’s why my mom and I have worked to adapt our recipes to make them all homemade. And to be honest – they rock! I love to bake and cook – especially for the holidays, but I don’t love to clean it all up! Wow – what a mess! It is so much easier to celebrate with my mom because we both cook and we both clean so it seems to take half the time. Boy did I miss her this year! I’m still cleaning up from hosting 10 here at our house.

SPOILER ALERT: This blog discusses the topic of Santa Claus. Not approved for children.
Mason believes what he sees. Literally.
Oreo Cookies exist because he sees them. Milk exists because he sees it AND they taste great with his oreo cookies.
He’s observed Santa Claus from a safe 50 foot distance at the mall. Getting him to sit in a strange fat man’s lap wasn’t going to happen. It’s those untrusting issues with persons he doesn’t know, plus I strongly suspect that the beard freaks him out.

On top of our Christmas tree sits a beautiful, shining star. Every day that I see this star it reminds me of what is to come, it reminds me that today will pass and to have hope for tomorrow. It wasn't all that long ago that Christmas time brought sadness, frustration, fear, and even dread. Christmas had always been my favorite holiday. Celebrating the birth of our Lord has always carried with it such optimism, purity, and peace.