I shouldn't blog when I have PMS. I'm much happier and more level-headed today than I was a few days ago when I whined and proclaimed my-autism-is-worse-than-your-autism.
What sparked my pity party was the comment I received from an acquaintance at church: "You could change it if you had enough faith."

It is extremely frustrating and disheartening when I go to do an online search for books, new releases that focus on autism, and every single book that comes up is the story of how a child was "cured."
They can't all be cured. They can't. And don't tell me that its all due to the hard work of a parent, or the miracle of Early Intervention. Maybe your kid just didn't have it as bad as my kid does!

Sunday, June 20, 2010
The past few weeks have been a big roller coaster of highs and lows. After the unexpected, abrupt, cold-turkey end of a medication that Jacob has been on for 3 years, we dealt with quite a lot of withdrawal symptoms including some intense, unrestrained aggression and a Grand Mal seizure.

Jacob had a seizure last night.
He was lying next to me in my bed, after sneaking in at some early hour after I had fallen asleep. I didn't even realize he was there until I felt his body convulsing next to mine.
It took me a moment to figure out what was going on. By the time it was over only 45 seconds had passed. He didn't seem to wake up from the seizure, and slept peacefully by my side the rest of the night.

The last post I wrote about Jacob having a terrible, aggressive episode happened about 3 weeks ago, and after it was written I held onto it for a week or so while I debated putting it here- although I want my friends and family to understand the most difficult times we face with Jacob, I also want to protect myself from criticism and showing the world what can happen behind closed doors. It can be both embarrassing and humbling to let people into my private moments.

Yesterday was one of the worst times we have had with Jacob. This blog post won't be eloquent or end happily- I am too emotional for that right now.
I am so torn up about what to do in future situations like this. I'm sick over it and it is all I can think about. Here's what happened:
Our evening routine is that Jacob takes a bath, takes his medicine, brushes his teeth, then has his vitamins. This has been working really well for us- he's actually been happy to get in the bath and do this routine after many years of struggling to get him bathed and clean.

How can it be that time has gone by so quickly that I am no longer in the lullaby, nursery rhyme, and piggyback years? Had I known that having all my kids within 4 years and done by age 24 was going to leave me still pining for a baby at 33, I think I'd have slowed down the process.
But there is no going back, and seeing how life has changed over the past several years, I don't know that I'd want to. So tomorrow I celebrate the 9th birthday of my son with happiness and memories.

Jacob broke a caregivers nose.
It has taken me a over a month to be able to put that out there. I am sick about it, stressed to the max, and have a sinking feeling this is only the first time. I don't know what the outcome of the situation will be, but I'm hopeful it will be easily resolved and that S will heal. I've pretty much had a rock in my stomach over it since it happened on New Years Eve.

I have always been more of an observer than a participant. I'm the person to whom, in a group of people, someone more outgoing will always comment, "You're so quiet? Aren't you having fun?" To which I reply, "Yeah! I'm fine," while seeing the doubt in their eyes as inside I'm cursing that person for drawing attention to me.

Sometimes when I tell people Jacob is non-verbal, they mistakenly assume he's silent. In reality, there's nothing further from the truth. He has never been a quiet boy.
In the past he's had several sounds that he uses to "speak" with us. First, when he was about 2, he'd growl. That was fun. Next, he said "ma ma ma" for everything. At 4 years old he began with the "eh-eh-eh" sound that he'd use in a conversational tone. That one lasted a few years. The past year or so the sounds of choice were "bo", Ahh-ahh", "na-na".