It's the question we have all asked ourselves and rarely are willing to talk about openly. It may haunt you while trying to fall asleep at night or it flashes across your mind like an out of control strobe light when someone cuts you off on the highway. What if today is that day?

Sometimes life doesn't throw us the fastball down the middle to knock out of the park. Curve balls, knuckle balls, and sometimes a wild pitch is tossed into the mix. You duck to avoid it but you get hit anyway. If you’re lucky, you have prepared and have the correct gear on and are mentally ready for the worse case scenario. The practice of preparing has you first in line when it comes to the "just in case" crowd and you have thought everything through so if you can't get up, there is a plan. Every day people go about their business thinking that everything is going to be alright and then the bottom falls out or they are hit with that wild pitch. Everything as they know it has changed.

The loss of a friend who was much too young to pass, the loss of a job, divorce, losing a parent, are all life changing experiences that almost everyone will experience. Maybe not all of the experiences will be shared by the masses but many can point to one or more and say that they can relate. There is something important about sharing related experiences with someone who understands the feelings, emotions, struggles that can help you feel more complete. Then there is the issue that every parent of a special child struggles with that can make you feel completely overwhelmed......all the time. What will happen to my son when I am gone? Who will know his routine and be patient with him when things change? Will he grasp what has occurred when I am no longer here and how will he manage through the transition?

Sam and I ride the DART Rail a lot. Actually, saying we ride a lot is an understatement. We ride the DART Rail almost every single week. I don't work off the line, we have no need to ride the rail to a store, or event, or to shop for anything at all. We ride the DART Rail because it is something he really enjoys. It is such a blessing to have something that we can do together (just the two of us) that we truly and completely enjoy. I see the vast difference in his demeanor, his state of mind, his life when we are doing something that he truly enjoys. He literally shakes from head to toe and shoulder to finger tips with pleasure. He becomes speechless. His beautiful eyes stay focused on mine for more than just a few seconds and he leans in to hug me. I live for these moments.

Riding the DART Rail is one of the few things that doesn't get scripted with, "This is the greatest day of my life." I don't mean to take away from anyone who Sam has said this to. To some extent, Sam really does mean what he is saying at that very moment. He has also worked with adult therapists his entire life, watched TV, movies, and other media where someone is so over-the-top in their communication that he has taken it upon himself to apply this to scenarios where he feels happy, excited or doesn’t know what else to say.

When most kids say, "Cool Dad. I really like this toy." Sam will say, "Ohhh Dad! Ohhh Dad! This has to be the absolute, greatest day of my entire life! I can't believe it. How did you know? I am so excited. Thank you thank you thank you." and this is all done with semi-wailing, a hug, and what Sam calls "happy tears" that he pretends to have. This takes place all the time with family and friends. They smile and talk about how nice he is, how loving, and even remark, “Look how far he has come, and how incredible it is that he is able to communicate this way. This is so great.” Frankly, it's really not. He is scripting and perseverating on something and this is how Sam responds and deals with it. He does it daily, sometimes hourly, he will do it while he is all alone in a room talking to himself with no one else around, he will do this with the checkout attendant at a fast food restaurant who he has never met before. Sam will do this when he is confused or doesn't know what else to say. I'm glad it makes people feel special for the moment. This is definitely better than him hitting, biting, or scratching at people. Sam does have an enormous amount of love to share, he is affectionate, and is very well mannered (most of the time...he is still an 8 year old though). But, I am constantly reminded that he has a deficit that we are fighting madly to overcome.

As I talk to other parents with children who have Asperger’s I hear similar stories. In visiting with adults in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s (who have Asperger’s) they will tell the story from their own experience. The response from those living with Asperger’s sometimes goes like this, “It’s hard to understand how others are feeling and the only thing I can control is how I feel. If someone is unhappy or frustrated it makes me feel angry or frustrated too because I don’t want them to feel that way.” It can be an endless loop at times and these feelings weigh on everyone involved. Have you tried teaching empathy lately? Have you tried to help your child learn and implement what perspective is? Have you spent hour upon hour trying to explain the difference between sympathy and empathy? Have you attempted to teach someone what the feelings of sympathy and empathy “feel like” so that when they “feel them” or when they should “recognize the need to implement them” that they can distinguish between the two and (even though the feeling may not come naturally at all) execute the proper response? Welcome to the world of parenting a child with Asperger’s.

I think about every precious moment of every single day. I can’t go yet, my job is far from over. I constantly pray to God and ask for just another day to help Sam find his way so he is not completely reliant on others. Is all this energy and focus to the detriment of Luke (my four year old)? Luke is learning so much about life from what he sees in our home. He is so far beyond his years that I can’t even begin to tell his story yet. What is the real impact to every relationship in my life? What toll has this taken on my friends, my marriage, my family? I can’t second guess every decision and don’t have the luxury of playing the “what if” game. I choose to take every day, good and bad, and live them to their fullest because I don’t know if today will be that day.