Tonight I ran away from home. Literally.

Today started out with such promise. Kent took Sam to the 8:00 am dentist appointment for me (and it was a great cleaning!), and I had the day to spend with just Luke. We had fun just hanging out together. We picked Sam up from school at 3:15, and the boys were both excited to meet our friends Alexander and Brooke at the park. We drove over there and the boys scrambled out of their booster seats and onto the playground to see their friends. My friend Tara brought Halloween-shaped cookies, icing, sprinkles, and darling Halloween plates & cups for the kids to decorate & eat cookies for a fun snack (SUPER MOM!). They had fun together playing and running around, and I was so proud of Sam for trying and eating the sugar cookies! Then, the "attitude" started to hit both of my boys. Luke was cranky (he's not napping most days) and his hand hurt from a busted blister. Sam was starting to fatigue from playing and running along the trail at the park, and "growled" at Brooke when she started to cry. He is still struggling when people get upset- it's the emotion & the noise that he has a hard time dealing with- but seriously, she barely even made any noise. I was embarrassed and getting frustrated with him. Alexander was a doll and put his arm around his sister and said "Are you OK, Brooke? You look sad." It was so sweet, and it gave me hope to see such tenderness.

We sped to therapy- Sam had OT tonight- and we were running late. I almost rear-ended a stopped car in my lane, but quickly recovered. Sam started complaining that he was hungry, but we had 5 minutes to get to therapy that was still 15 minutes away. I split a banana for him and Luke to eat and tried to drive a little faster. He had a great therapy session with Kate, but his little brother broke down on the floor in the waiting room "I just want to go home, I'm so tired!" After the therapy session, Luke and I went into the gym to use the restroom and to talk to Kate about Interactive Metronome and to get some tips for Sam. He is now doing 3 OT sessions per week but is still so behind. He was doing better, then we had to quit OT for 7 months for financial reasons. During that time, he gained a lot of weight due to medication and due to a much needed growth spurt, and now he is 18 pounds heavier (weighing in at 65 pounds) and as a result, his endurance is low and his coordination & balance are off. He is such a hard worker though, and Kate (and his other OT, Betsy) give him an amazing balance of encouragement and challenge in his sessions. I was a little down when we left OT tonight, just knowing that he'll be doing OT for years and years. The boys were completely hyped up because during my 20 minute conversation with Kate, they were jumping from the mountain, swinging on the rope swing and other swings, spinning, and crashing into the crash pads.... serious sensory seekers. Then I had to say "OK time to go!" and chase them out the door. They started fighting with each other when we got in the car, both overtired and worn out and hungry for dinner. Mix that with a tired mom who is frustated and stressed with finances and driving, and voila- you have a very unhappy carload.

I am mad at myself for getting so mad at them. I know better. I know better than to yell; it only makes things worse. I know better than to make threats to take things away; it doesn't help anything and only makes them more sad. I know better than to stay mad; what kind of example is that?! All I could think was "When I get home, I going for a run. I'm out of here." and held onto that for the next 10 minutes. I was just so tired of the disrespect and screaming from Sam, and I was just so tired of the disobedience from Luke.... Maybe I'm just tired? Ever have those days?!

Finally, we made it home at 7:15 pm.... I had said something mean like "I don't want to hear your voice until I get home- You both hurt my feelings and made me feel frustrated." Luke started crying when we got inside, and Sam started screaming, and I just looked at Kent and mouthed "I'm sorry, I have to get out of here" and he hugged me, then he ushered the kids into the kitchen for dinner. I quickly dressed in my running clothes & running shoes, grabbed my iPod, and ran out the door. I ran down the street, ran around the block, and ran about a mile to the front of my neighborhood. It's so beautiful... amazing trees, huge flowers, dozens of ducks, and beautiful water with huge fountains that shoot up into the air. I stopped running and sat down in front of the water, and just breathed. It was so nice to be somewhere beautiful and just "run away" for a few minutes. We've had worse days than this. Why was I so upset?

After a good cry with the ducks as my companions, I got up, found Train on my iPod, and started running again. I clocked another 2 miles then headed home. It felt great to run. I haven't been able to run for about five weeks as I'm trying to heal my knee (I was training for a half marathon but had to stop because my knee was in a lot of pain). It's amazing how much endurance you lose when you stop training for even a few weeks. I felt better after my run- sweaty, tired, ankles a little sore, but great. It felt so great to run away, even for just a few minutes, and do something positive to unleash my frustration and my own bad attitude.

When I got home Kent just smiled at me and asked me if I was ok, and told me to not apologize, that he was really glad that I left (both boys were in bed, bathed and asleep). He offered encouragement and said that it's ok for the boys to see me upset, that the world does not revolve around them and that they need to know that their actions and attitudes affect people and their feelings. Leave it to Kent to spin my meltdown into something positive. I married a seriously amazing man.

I think that in the morning, I'm going to run again before the boys wake up and before we start our day. My running away tonight was great for my mind, my body, and my own attitude. I don't think of my running away as "running away from my problems"- I see it as medicine, as sanity, as clarity, as running away so I can be a better person and a better mom.

It worked. I can't wait to hug my kids when they wake up in the morning.