Question of the Day: Who’s In Control of Your Household?

We all like to be in control. Some people more than others…….but being in control of our lives and day to day happenings guarantees that things will run smoothly. We know what will happen next. We know things will get done the way we like it. Control decreases our anxiety and it is a safety zone. This is the same for children with autism spectrum disorders.

Children with autism spectrum disorders especially like being in control. This means that their world is safe. They know exactly what to expect. Things aren’t as challenging when they are in control. They understand what is happening in their world when they are in control.

Also, when your child is first beginning to learn how to communicate and talk, we tend to grant every single one of their requests. This is how they learn that communication is meaningful and powerful. But there’s so much more to life than asking for things and getting things in return. Our children need to learn this too.

Now control can occur in many different ways shapes and forms. Each child is different and the degree of control they may desire is different. The other day I went and saw one of my friends for therapy at his school and he told me, “I don’t want to do games anymore on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I just want to paint!” Control. Last week I went and saw another little guy at his school for therapy and he was finishing up snack and it was almost time for everyone to go potty and wash their hands. He told me, “I’m not going potty in this bathroom, I’m going in the potties that are outside on the playground.” Control. This week in group during book time one little guy completely lost it because I was holding the Brown Bear book and not him. Control. Painting is easier than games. Painting is more socially comfortable than games. Painting is easier to understanding that games. Painting is safe. The outdoor potties are quieter than the indoor potties. Not as many friends use the outdoor potties so I’m less likely to get ambushed. The outdoor potties require less social interaction than the indoor potties. The outdoor potties are safe. Holding the book myself is easier. I can flip the pages at my own pace and look at my favorite pictures as long as I want and do my pointing ritual that decreases my anxiety. When I hold the book, I don’t have to try to understand hard language. When I hold the book it is safe.

There may be some different instances of control that affect your day to day life to a higher degree. Your child may like you to drive home a certain way. If you take one incorrect turn, your child may have a tantrum. To avoid the tantrum, you always drive the same way home and never make any stops to run errands. Control. Your child may always have a meltdown when they don’t get what they want so you always give them what they want. Control. Your child may scream and cry when you try to play with them so you avoid playing with them. Control. Your child may prefer to play only by themselves and refuse to play with other children. Because of this you may avoid social environments like birthday parties, the park, play dates because you don’t want your child to stand out or you want to avoid a tantrum. Control.

The fact is that a child is a child. It does not matter if a child is typical or has a disability. No child should be in control of an adult’s actions or an adult’s life. If your child is constantly in control of their day to day happenings and experiences no changes in their comfort zones, your child is not learning. If your child is not learning, this will hinder their progress and development. If your child is relinquishing control each day, they will constantly be learning and making progress with language comprehension, language use, socialization, play skills and more. Take control. If your child has a meltdown, use that opportunity to work on protesting language, “no Mom!!!” and emotional regulation “I’m mad….I need to take deep breaths!!!” A meltdown is a good thing! It’s an opportunity to work on all these skills as well as how to relinquish control and learning that other people can be in control too, a very important life skill. This will help your child be more flexible and more dynamic in their thinking, which will only help them now and later in life. Remember that it’s okay for your child to be in control sometimes. This is human nature. Balance is key.

So the next time you work on control and your child has a tantrum, just think to yourself, “ I am the adult. I am helping my child learn.”

-Amanda and Laura
KidSpeak, LLC
www.kidspeakdallas.com