Me: Dear Mr. Insurance Company, please reimburse me for this ABA Therapy for my daughter with PDD-NOS.
Friendly Insurance Guy (FIG): Whaaah?
Me: You know, Pervasive Developmental Disorder? Applied Behavior Analysis?
FIG: We don’t pay for that.
Me: Oh. Ok. Then please reimburse me for this Music Therapy.
FIG: Ha ha ha!
Me: Ok ok. Then please reimburse me for this Speech Therapy. Your book says you pay for that.
FIG: Uh, we need to be sure that you don’t have other insurance first.

(one week to find and return form)

Me: Please accept my Affidavit of No Other Insurance, signed and notarized at a great inconvenience to me.
FIG: Ok. Weeeeelllll, we need to be sure that this is not a pre-existing condition and that you had previous insurance within 61 days of starting with this insurance.
Me: But…
Insurance: No buts!

(two weeks to find and return form)

Me: Please accept my Credible Coverage Letter (aka Affidavit of Previous Insurance Within 61 Days), signed and notarized at an even greater inconvenience to me, sent with attention to “Pre-existing Update”.
FIG: Hmm. Ok. Uhh… yes! We need a signed form from the referring doctor to be sure that this was medically necessary.

(four weeks to get form to and from doctor)

Me: Please accept my cotton pickin’ doctor’s note.
FIG: That note is not in the proper form.

(six more weeks)

Me: Here’s your booger-nosed Formal Physician Referral Form (aka Affidavit of Not-Just-Getting-Therapy-For-Fun). Oh, and here’s two more months of speech therapy bills to add to the other one.
FIG: I don’t see a CPT4 code with modifiers on the forms.
Me: It’s right there! At the bottom. I can read it to you!
FIG: Oh, yeah, there it is. Kind of tiny font, don’t you think? I mean, you can’t really expect us to –
Me: Send me the money!
FIG: There’s no need to get –
Me: Send me the money!
FIG: But you haven’t met your deductible.
Me (my sweat turning instantly to steam as it comes out): I already sent you my Deductible and Out Of Pocket Update (aka Affidavit of Personal Disbursement of Boatload of My Own Money)! Remember?! Didn’t you get that?
FIG2: Get what?
Me: What? What we’ve been talking about!
FIG2: Sir, I’ve just taken over this ticket from the other agent, and there are no notes in your file concerning this situation.
Me: Can you just –?
FIG2: It says here that we had to consider the claim denied because we did not receive the proper requested information.
Me: Why didn’t –?
FIG2: If you wish to appeal, you need to submit a “Destined for the Round File - Hail Mary - We Need a Good Laugh - Appeal Form” in triplicate along with all requested paperwork, notarized in calligraphy by a certified albino Sherpa podiatrist and signed in blood, type AB negative. Also, we’ll need a rabbit’s foot (the left one, white), the down feather of a California condor, and one of your molars (uncapped).
Me: But–
FIG: And for future claims, to get reimbursed for Speech Therapy, we’ll first need to be sure that you don’t have other insurance…
Me: akk… erk… gurgle… (thud)