In May, I posted some of my favorite quotes about motherhood and how I’ve come to see motherhood with a vastly different perspective in the years since Ethan was diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder, in my post Mother Love. I thought it would be fun to put together a similar post for Father’s Day, because I can guarantee that my husband now views “fatherhood” differently than before, too.

Let’s start with a little humor…

A father carries pictures where his money used to be. ~Author Unknown
Now this one made me Laugh Out Loud! My instinct tells me that the phrase was probably written by someone raising a typical child or teenager with standard needs and expenses. But, raising a child with ASD is exponentially more expensive! I know many parents who have sold their homes, emptied savings and college accounts, used up retirement savings and still went into debt to pay for necessary therapies, interventions, special diets and treatments. While this isn’t funny – in the least – it is humorous (I think) in the sense that I stumbled across this quote and thought to myself, “Awww, sweet Mr. ‘Author Unknown’ probably doesn’t know the half of it!”

But in all seriousness, “fatherhood” is much, much more than a fat wallet or a hefty paycheck.

"Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough." ~ Wilhelm Busch
Mr. Busch puts forth a thoughtful quote about fathers I find to be quite true, but “very rough” doesn’t begin to describe how challenging parenting a child with special needs can be. Over the past several years, the only people I’ve found who truly understand how “rough” it is, either live with a child with special needs or have a very close friend or family member who is a parent to a child with special needs.

As mothers we often intuitively find our way to other groups of women who “get” our challenges, embrace us when we need it most and lift us up as a result. Sadly, I don’t often see fathers doing the same – seeking out other fathers who understand and relate. Rather, I feel fathers often instinctively feel compelled to “suck it up” when they’re feeling frustrated, vulnerable, emotionally exhausted or depressed. I applaud Kent Potter, Craig Gibson and Dr. Robert Naseef for boldly sharing their experiences, thoughts and emotions every month here on AutismSpot; I know they’re opening doors and forging important connections! My wish this Father’s Day is that more fathers raising children with ASD will find one another and connect to gain strength from shared challenges.

It is a wise father that knows his own child. ~ William Shakespeare
I have to say…this quote stops me in my tracks. I have been blessed in my life by a wonderful father who truly knows me; a grandfather who knew my mother well; and by a husband who actively works at understanding and knowing Ethan as he grows and develops. But that’s not always the case in other families…

I think what strikes me most about this quote and why I chose to share it, is how very challenging it can be for parents of pre-verbal children or children with other, various communication challenges, to find the appropriate means to communicate with their child. Some find it impossible or difficult to have even “simple” interactions. Parents of neurotypical children may not even realize what an amazing gift it is to have your child tell you when they are hungry or thirsty, verbalize when they are afraid and why, or at the most basic level, confess their love for you. I know – communication is a true gift to be cherished - not to be taken lightly.

When I consider this, I am reminded of Carly Fleischmann’s story. Carly was diagnosed with Autism at Age 3, but wasn’t able to effectively communicate with her parents until she was 11. After a full decade with no speech, Carly began to type. Her first words were a flat-out request for help…she was sick and in pain. If you’re not familiar with Carly’s story, I would encourage you to spend some time at her website: Carly’s Voice.

All children deserve a voice, and all children deserve to be truly “known” and understood by their fathers. Watching the 20/20 clip on Carly’s website, (where Carly's father speaks about suggestions other well-meaning people made about putting her in a group home), makes me sob every single time I see it (especially just past the 3 minute mark in the video).

Wise fathers “know” their children, but fathers of children with ASD must be infinitely patient, intensely persistent and immensely strong (emotionally) to persevere long enough to come to “know” their children in ways parents of neurotypical children may never even consider. Carly’s words below directly tie into the quote above and in my opinion are tremendously powerful:

“I am autistic, but that is not who I am. Take time to know me, before you judge me.” ~Carly Fleischmann

I pray that as the daunting numbers of children with ASD grow, so, too, will the number of fathers who “know” their children.

Wishing all of the amazing fathers raising children with Autism, Asperger’s Syndrome or any Autism Spectrum Disorder a Happy Father’s Day this weekend…thank you for spending time with us here at AutismSpot.

♥

Leigh Attaway Wilcox is a writer and editor for the projectLD family of companies. Leigh is Assistant Editor of the internationally acclaimed AutismSpot.com and her work can be found on many of the pLDNetworks sites. Leigh is the author of ALL BETTER: A Touch-and-Heal Book published by Piggy Toes Press in 2007. Leigh lives in North Texas with her husband and young son who loves reading, LEGOs, Mario Bros. and also happens to live with Asperger's Syndrome, an Autism Spectrum Disorder.