“Check with your infectious disease department before using these procedures.”

That was the first thing I read on the instructions. I was thinking, “Maybe I shouldn’t be using these procedures after all… I may be wrong, but I don’t think I even have an infectious disease department!”

I’ll back up a bit. We were about to try a new OT thing with Isabella. It’s one of those circular inflated cushions that you sit on. The idea is that it does some sensory magic with kids when they give it a sit.

That quote was the very first thing I saw on the single page of instructions. I think the whole sheet was a basic CYA (look it up… this is a family safe blog… okok: “cover your bottom CYB”… better?), written by a lawyer or at least with the fear of a lawyer in mind.

I can just see a group of people in suits sitting around a large conference room all staring at a deflated circular cushion in the middle of a polished wooden conference table, wondering, “How many ways can we get sued for this?” After a moment, people start randomly throwing out ways to get sued while a note-taker makes frantic scribbles.

“You could throw it out of a moving car and hit a kid on a bicycle and knock him into a chasm,” might be a good one.

“You could roll it up really tight and choke on it, if someone helped to force it down your throat.”

“You could wrap it around a gun and then play with it and accidentally shoot someone.”

“You could cover it with butter and stick it on the tile entryway floor of a nursing home.”

Ok, so those didn’t make the cut, but the “infectious disease” one did. That warning was in the cleaning section of the instructions, that section basically saying to clean it with soap and water. Sounds pretty dangerous and infectious.

I think it’s funny that manufacturers can say things like that and then turn around and bring it up in court. I can just see their lawyer saying (from a safe distance) to a poor sap with an infectious disease on his face, sitting in a witness chair, “You didn’t check with your infectious disease department, did you? Did you!?” Case closed.

Massive aside alert! I know they do that because a Ford lawyer did that to me in a Lemon Law hearing. Months earlier, Carrie had put the car in park, stepped inside our house to drop off a load of groceries, and headed back to the car just in time to see it pop out of park into reverse and slam into our house with Isabella inside. The lawyer successfully argued that the emergency brake (no no! they said; it’s a “parking brake”) was supposed to be engaged all the time when the car was parked. The funny thing was that the judge, after giving the car a test drive, left the parking brake off. I guess it would have been his fault if the car had lurched out of gear and ran over a bunch of school children or some other helpless group, like a herd of puppies or something. At the time I decided not to point out his oversight, but now I wish I had. I think he and his chum the Ford lawyer would have still had a great time in the hearing, but at least I would have gotten a dig in.

So this is getting way too long. I’ll finish it off with a play-by-play of a few more quotes from the instructions, with my comments in italics.

~~~
Disc'O'Sit
Come up with that name all by yourself?

Please store this instruction sheet in a safe place
else the terrorists will win.

IMPORTANT:KEEP ALL PARTS TOGETHER
That one doesn't deserve all caps.

CAUTION: THE PLUG IS SMALL ENOUGH THAT IT COULD BE SWALLOWED BY SMALL CHILDREN
That one does.

Use appropriate spotting/safety techniques.
They forgot to mention what those techniques are. “Spot me! I’m going for a sit!” “Wait! What do I do?”

Under no condition should this equipment be used without proper supervision.
What about an emergency sitting condition? Nope, not even then.

This sheet is for example only. It is not meant to, in any way, replace local, county, state, or Federal standards.
What about parish or territory or provincial region or Cherokee nation standards???

Be aware - it is your responsibility to find all pertinent safety information that pertains to your facility.
Who made you the boss?

STOP: Take time to familiarize yourself with the use and maintenance of this equipment before using.
Uhh, I think you just sit on it.
~~~

So how is it working? I don't really know: I've already lost the instructions, I don't know how to use the darn thing, a small child has run off with the plug, Isabella is throwing the cushion like a Frisbee somewhere in Oklahoma, and my infectious disease department won't return my calls.