I HATE CHANGE!

I like my life being in a neat, structured little bubble. I like knowing what will happen each day. I like the structure of a routine. I like predictability. I like being able to count on everything being status quo.

At 47, life is no longer neat and structured. I don't know what will happen each day and the older my kids get the less structure and routine I find in my day. With kids coming and going all the time predictability has flown out the window. Things are definitely NOT status quo in the Smith house anymore.

Kelli, my youngest, has a boyfriend now! I'm not quite sure how that really happened. We said that she couldn't date until the young man came and talked to Jeff. We never really thought any boy would do that but oh were we wrong! He had the guts to come and meet with Jeff to talk about "pursuing a relationship". He's a nice young man and after giving the appropriate warnings, Jeff gave permission. He' seems to really like Kelli, treats her nicely, and doesn't mind spending time here letting us get to know him. They held hands in church today...just too weird for words!

Patrick, the middle child and only son, has made his college decision and is now 18. He spent his spring break in Monterrey, Mexico on a mission trip. He went last year as well and had an interesting experience that scared him. He was asked to go back, this time as a leader, and from what we hear he did an excellent job and rose to the occasion. Now that spring break is over we are on the downhill slide to graduation...seems like it was just yesterday that he learned to swing himself and ride a bike. His sweet girlfriend, Lacey, sat at my kitchen table last night and we had a great heart to heart talk. She shared with me about how Patrick has changed her life. Tears rolled from my eyes and welled in hers as we talked and I realized that I was looking into the eyes of the love of my son's life.

Kaitlyn, oldest daughter, is almost 21. Her "family" now includes her friends at college and more often than not they influence her decisions more than we do. That's not always a bad thing, it's just different. Her wings are wide open and it seems that almost daily she flies a little further from our nest. Her special young man is definitely the object of her affection these days and given the way they look at each other I'd have to say this one may be around for a while if not forever.

In light of all these things I find myself evaluating life and trying to figure out where I need to be and what I need to do. Being a mom has always been my number one priority and I'm not quite sure how to do life now that my kids need a mom in a different fashion. These changes seemed to have happened so quickly and even though I knew they would come eventually I wasn't prepared for them just yet. It's not that they are unwelcome really, they are just here seemingly without warning.

I don't really know what to do, how to behave, what to say or not say, or where to go. Somedays I just want to scream and cry and throw myself on the floor. The people around me don't seem to understand or know how to help me. I feel trapped, lost, and afraid. Nobody has given me a tool to help with this change. I don't have any idea of what is next.

For the first time ever I think I understand, just a little bit, what it might be like to have autism...