While enduring a big change in my life over the past week, I have been reminded how difficult change can be.

Even for those of us who are Neurotypical (NT), change can be uncomfortable and take us by surprise. Recently, even though I knew that some form of change was impeding with another outlet for which I wrote regularly in the past, I was blown away by a wide-sweeping change. While completely out of my control, this change affected me greatly. It really made me stop and think about why change can be so difficult for individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD).

I’m one of those NT’s who doesn’t even really care for pleasant surprises; I’d actually prefer if you let me know ahead of time you’re throwing a party for me, than for you to plan it behind my back and shock me at the doorway of a house filled with guests. Far from alone, I know that many people feel the same way…and, along those same lines, who among us likes to be surprised with negative, challenging or difficult news or events? Even fewer people than those who don’t care for happy surprises, no doubt.

With that in mind, consider what it must feel like for our children, adolescents and young adults with ASD to be surprised by changes – large and small. Some small changes, like fire drills at school or stopping for an unplanned dinner out after a sporting event, can be good life lessons (because let’s face it – change happens), but still should be planned carefully by caregivers. When we (as caregivers) are mentally prepared for the challenges a small change will bring on (like added stimming, increased likelihood for meltdowns, etc.) we can handle our outward reactions with more grace and patience. This in turn, helps us to serve as better role models for our children, both NT and with ASD, and for members of the general public watching us to see how to effectively respond to challenging outward behaviors associated with ASD.

Large changes, like moving to a new school or place of worship, require even more careful planning and implementation. These kinds of changes may require supplementary tools, like Social Stories(TM) developed by Carol Gray, or even something as simple as added time to process, understand and accept upcoming transitions. When Ethan was younger, he benefitted greatly from Social Stories(TM) written to specifically and directly address his individual needs. This past summer, when I knew that he would be changing school campuses, we started mid-summer and spent a great deal of time preparing for the change with visits to the new school, discussions about how his days would be different (new friends, different teachers, changes in school procedures, etc.) and books about starting at a new school. Big changes simply require more preparation and planning to ensure that our loved ones with ASD are not overwhelmed.

Last week, while attending a parent panel at the FEAT-NT conference, a fellow mother I highly respect, Vicki Hill, shared a very useful strategy that she has used with her son living with Asperger’s Syndrome. She worked to help him increase his tolerance and flexibility over time with what I think of as a “set up” for expected or anticipated change. For instance, she graduated from telling him, “Today we will get your hair cut after school,” to “This week we will stop to get your hair cut after school one day,” as he grew in age and maturity. This allowed him to expand in flexibility, while making sure that he didn’t feel blindsided by a completely unexpected change to his typical after-school routine. Long before learning of Ethan’s diagnosis, I understood and valued that having a predictable schedule/routine helped Ethan to feel safe and somewhat in control of his environment. Now I understand it and value it even more so. We all need to feel that we have some control…right?

In my perspective, the whole topic of change boils down to this: a sense of personal control. As I am in the midst of a change over which I had zero control, I feel it is my job to offer Ethan opportunities to gradually work up to being flexible while still allowing him to maintain some semblance of personal control. While life quite obviously won’t always offer him change with a side dish of personal control - while he is in my care, I can and will carefully and intentionally help him work up to being flexible enough to take on any change life throws at him as a young man.

How do you approach change in your personal life and/or with your loved one(s) living with ASD?

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Leigh Attaway Wilcox is a writer and editor for the projectLD family of companies. Leigh is Assistant Editor of the internationally acclaimed AutismSpot.com and her work can be found on many of the pLDNetworks sites. Leigh is is the author of ALL BETTER: A Touch-and-Heal Book published by Piggy Toes Press in 2007. Leigh lives in North Texas with her husband and young son who loves reading, LEGOs, Mario Bros. and also happens to live with Asperger's Syndrome, an Autism Spectrum Disorder.