Isabella’s school programs can be painful to watch, as I once described. A few days ago, it was my older daughter Madeline’s turn.

It was a program for K-6th grade, my daughter being in the oldest class. We got there on time, which meant that we didn’t get a seat. Luckily, the room across the hall from the auditorium had chairs that weren’t nailed down, so we dragged a few over. Madeline sat with us in her cheerleader uniform for most of the show until it was her turn to perform.

One bad thing was that we forgot Isabella’s GameBoy. For a brief and stimulating show, this wouldn’t have been a problem. But, since we were 0 for 2 on that score, we resorted to my hated iPhone, which has games on it. Due to its willingness to help out and its fine performance in this pinch, I officially upgraded the phone’s designation from “hated” to “distasteful,” a word that doesn’t change its apparent (lack of) quality but rather lessens the severity of my animosity towards it.

Moving back to the program, it was your typical school kids’ show, with camera-faced parents jumping up randomly or moving along the walls like cats stalking a mouse, kids singing at completely different tempos from the music (and one another), and unintelligible mumblings in unintelligible skits (like opera without all the wailing).

Here are a few of the notable highlights. First, one cowboy-clad class sang the entire periodic chart in a Texan drawl. Perhaps the manner of delivery was meant to be ironic, or maybe the kids just voted on what to wear and the accent was natural. Who knows, but I appreciated the diversion; lists of chemical names hold little inherent entertainment value, unfortunately. Also, they sang it out of order, but I think they did that so they could stack the rhyming words together… a good call in my opinion.

Second, a first grade class sang out the names of all of the presidents of the United States. I was totally disappointed because they didn’t rhyme at all. The best part of the kindergarten performance was the visual humor, in which the smallest boy in the entire class had on a stovepipe hat that doubled his height. I’m sure lots of people wore that style of hat back in the day, but these days, if someone puts one of those tall hats on, immediately everyone thinks, “Lincoln!” – well at least everyone in America… unless you’re a punk teenager and you think history is stupid, in which case you might think the hat is a new fashion statement that would look a lot better if it were turned sideways and cocked to the side.

But I digress.

A few times, loud clapping erupted at the thought that a particular segment was over. However, the pauses in the performances were only because either a student didn’t know his lines and was frozen in silent terror or because the class was just pausing before they repeated the exact same performance a second time, that being the most efficient way to prolong the program without actually requiring any more rehearsal time.

One of the more surreal moments occurred in one skit in which a group of pilgrims were approached by a group of Indians, all dressed in flowery shorts and carrying surf boards and inflatable floaties. I only got out a “What the --?” before they all busted out in a 50’s surfer tune. The ENTIRE song. This was followed by some unintelligible dialogue which led inexplicably to an on-stage wardrobe change in which everyone pulled on either a red “Redskins” shirt or a blue “Patriots” t-shirt. The next thing I know, they’re playing slow-motion football with a Nerf. The whole bit was confusing and gratuitous and slightly unnerving. I wonder if this is what life looks like to our kids on the spectrum, but all day every day, not just for a few hours once a quarter.

Madeline’s part, consisting of athletic feats of gymnastics, was of course riveting. That part I dug.

Toward the end, Madeline was finished and so was Isabella, though in different ways. It was time to go. However, Madeline insisted on staying to watch the drama kids at the very end. Unfortunately, the drama kids were changing clothes, so one of the teachers stood up and did the most obvious bit of stalling ever. I know that because at one point she said, “I don’t have anything else to say but they’re still not dressed so I’m going to stall.” I’m pretty perceptive at reading right on top of the lines. When her stall had stalled, a second teacher jumped up to double stall by making an announcement about, I don’t know, the plans for next year’s lunch menus or the tenacity of fire ants. I was watching the second hand on my watch, so I’m not really sure what she said.

Finally, the drama kids dramatically entered and spoke in dramatic terms about something involving drama. It must have been funny for the people up close with good ears, because they laughed a few times. I did too, not wanting to look like an insensitive bore who only wants to go home and hit the sack. I’m pretty sure I pulled it off, so don’t tell anyone.

After it was all over, it was time for a little “meet and greet” between the teachers and students and parents. I’m actually not totally sure how that turned out because I was speeding down the highway toward the house by that time.

So, in summary, I really enjoyed the 20 seconds when Madeline performed. That rocked.