A while back, I mentioned social issues but never dug in. Some individuals on the spectrum have intellectual and/or physical difficulties, but in my opinion, the social difficulties outweigh all of the others.

As an example, how many of you know people from your hometown who performed miserably in school but who became successful later in life? (I know plenty of them, and I hate them all. Not really. “Hate” is a strong word.) Many of the ones that I know from this group were successful because they were good communicators, good networkers. Their solid social skills facilitated the creation of a network of other businesspeople and friends. This network not only provided opportunities, it also built confidence. A strong network can lift a person, both psychologically and financially.

Obviously, individuals on the spectrum need social skills as much as neurotypicals do. Unfortunately, I think that the social skills are the hardest to teach effectively, in part because there is so much intuition involved. (This is of course my uneducated, non-therapist opinion.) The problem is that the intuition that directed a given decision might actually consist of many, many smaller decisions. And that’s a lot to teach.

For example, consider a simple meeting between two people. That one interchange represents a tremendous range of social procedures and customs, rife with subtleties. Mess any one of these up, and the other person recognizes it.

Let’s run through it. I meet a business colleague. I shake his hand. The web between my thumb and forefinger should contact his. I try to give a firm but not crushing squeeze. Definitely not too soft. If the colleague is a woman with small hands, I don’t squeeze as hard. If he’s a man with thick calloused farmer hands, I squeeze much harder than usual. That’s it, right?

No, I must remember to look him in the eye. I might need to introduce myself if I haven’t yet, though I need to wait until the proper time. Define the “proper time.” Am I being introduced? Does the introducer possibly not remember my name, hoping that I’ll say it myself so that he’s spared the embarrassment? Is the other person talking, possibly saying their name? If so, I need to try to remember their name as I’m coordinating the handshake and planning my response.

But, should I shake this person’s hand at all? If he’s a man that I see in the office every day, should I shake his hand? What if I see him only once a week, should I shake it then or just greet him with a wave? What if I’ve known him since childhood and I haven’t seen him in a while? That might be a hug situation. Or maybe even a handshake, lean in, backslap with the left hand hybrid shake-hug. Or perhaps not, if he’s obviously not the hugging type.

And how does the sex affect things? If one or more of the people is a woman, and the people have met before, then there’s a higher probability that a hug would be more appropriate, at least in my experience.

What if something great just happened, like a sports victory or a major deal closing? Maybe that would kick a handshake situation into a hug or maybe even a retro high five, complete with an “on the flip side” addendum. And when is a fist bump appropriate?

Cultural issues expand the complexity greatly. A friend of mine majored in Japanese in college, and he once explained a few of the social expectations in that culture. I won’t list them, though I will say that they dwarf the above considerations. For example, people must consider the social status of the person with whom they’re speaking in order to know how to refer to them and even how to walk with them.

As I think about it now, my Japanese-studying friend faced similar struggles to those on the spectrum. He had to memorize the rules for social interaction rather than rely on experience and intuition. However, I think that the Japanese system is more rule-based, thus involving more memorization and less intuition, which is easier to teach. Also, he wasn’t hampered by a disability to assess the emotional states of the others involved.

So, that’s a lot of writing just to say “social issues are difficult.” I want to help my daughter learn how to navigate the social expectations, though I must accept that she will likely do things differently. I’m fine with that. I just want her to have sufficient social skills that she can choose whether to follow the social norms or do things her own way.